Monday, September 2, 2013

Dirtface speaks!

Excerpt from a gchat with some girl Nick was talking to.  He says that her response was along the lines of, 'Wow I didn't know you could do that in Dungeons and Dragons.'

"what follows is an attempt to summarize the completely batshit fight we had:

okay so we were in the tower of violets, trying to find a magical stone inhabited by a centipede demon 
so we could dip a dagger in the black ichor that drips from it, for a whole complicated human sacrifice thing 
but so our bard sad ed had tried to shoot one of the masters of the tower with a magic wand, and it had backfired and caused them to switch bodies 
so he was pretending to be the damnation prophet and leading us around with impunity, and we were walking around looking for the basement where the demon dwelt
we got distracted fiddling with a weird magical ice sculpture, and the tower cops showed up and started questioning everybody 
because they'd noticed that SOMEONE had ransacked the second floor (us) 
we tried to play it cool, but we knew the jig was about to be up 
and we were in the domain of the sin tutor, a wizard in professorial robes with a crow skull instead of a head 
and his seven sin students, all little kids with kid voices and crow skull heads, weren't letting us into the basement 
so finally we lost it and set a crazy trap and lit the place on fire 
and the seven crow skull kids started shooting us with crossbows
and the fire spread 
and i tried to put it out using the heart of the frozen ice sculpture and it froze EVERYTHING 
and the four sin students who survived retreated into the CLASSROOM OF SIN 
where there was a magic-stealing red steel cube, and a chalkboard covered in nauseating runes 
and whenever we slew one of the sin students, his head would detach and become a flying head trailing guts that would try to choke us 
and the sin tutor turned up and touched the cube and it started to bubble and bleed 
and deb the lady wolf tore his spine out to try to stop whatever horrible magic he was invoking
but it was too late! the cube ripped open and a giant bloody demon came out and started fucking us up! 
and then a seam appeared in the demon's head, trailed down his body, and split him down the middle! he was a demon of division! 
and one half grabbed sad ed, and one half grabbed dirtface
and seams appeared down our middles, and we each split in half too! 
and each of the halves could move around and fight independently 
and so all our halves and our direwolf were fighting these demon halves, crow skull kids, and flying skulls trailing guts
and then the guard patrol showed up! 
a thief, a wizard, and a paladin of centipedes! 
the thief turned invisible, and the wizard turned the paladin invincible, and the paladin cast a horrible spell that didn't really hurt anybody but made us upset
but then!
ignacio struck the three of them with divine fire and a cone of deathly cold, slaying the wizard and wounding the lot of them

and sad ed held out his pet toad, the Blindheim, who is so ugly it can cause blindness 
the thief couldn't take it, and so he was both blind and invisible. he flailed around uselessly 
one the demon halves started grabbing one of ed's halves, and pulled him into it
the demon's right side attached to sad ed's left side 
and he became the sad demon, and started singing sad ed's magic songs against us 
but sad ed's right side sung a song of magical suggestion at his left side, and told it to run from battle and cower in a corner, which it did 
dirtface's right side, still carrying its giant axe, started chopping at the half of the demon that was attached to ed's left side, trying to chop it off, but it was a demon of division and so only took half damage
dirtface's left side hopped around and pitched javelins at the centipede paladin, but he was invincible
the centipede paladin summoned two giant house centipedes who immediately tried to eat ignacio the druid
sad ed's right side ran over to dirtface's left side, and merged with HIM! 
forming dirt ed 
ignacio the druid heated the centipede paladin's magic centipede sword to burning heat, so he dropped it and ran over to try to wrest a javelin away from dirt ed 
while we wrestled, deb the lady wolf started trying to tug the paladin away 
and ed's new body had some snakes growing out of it, so one of the snakes was biting at this grabby paladin 
and the sad demon sung a song of mirror image that surrounded him with flickering duplicates, making him hard to hit 
and deb the lady wolf got split in half but recombined herself and kept on brawlin' 
and then it was midnight and we all needed to stop 
oh, and all along the demon halves had a preoccupation with division, so that if there were an uneven number of creatures in the room they'd freak out and panic 
so throughout the battle we kept trying to kill things or summon monsters so there would be an uneven number of things in the room

so yeah"

No comments:

Post a Comment