Monday, January 27, 2014

What spells does the wizard know?

Quick and dirty, for use in a pinch

Wizard level = d6 + average character level
Spell DC = 12 + d4 + spell level

Roll on your favorite random name table. The wizard has one spell left for each letter in their name.  Start with the highest level spell they can cast - is there a spell that starts with that letter? They know it.  Is there no spell that starts with that letter? Go one level down.  Repeat.

UNCRETTIN, level 10 wizard

Unseen Servant. Nightmare. Cloudkill. Ray of Exhaustion. Teleport. Telepathic Bond. Enervation. Ice Storm. and Nondetection.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

the digits change minute every minute but the sun doesn't rise

so let's make up some more spells

This spell causes a younger brother or sister (opposite sex) to have been retroactively born to your opponent.  They're an evil younger brother or sister.  So they hate your opponent but they're probably just evil in general


Like a spell that makes your toes wiggle off your body and grow small mouths that speak in high-pitched, mocking voices.  Each toe can move 5' per round, has really good stealth, and can be allowed to cast a single spell which you endow it with.  Toes don't grow back if they're killed.  Lasts until toe returns and gets back on your foot.

You turn into night-time.  When night falls your mind soul and body integrates with the entire blanketing field of night which swallows this plane as the snake eats the moon.  Get a really restful sleep.  Totally invulnerable for the duration.  Return at sunrise.  GM allows you to have learned a secret which occurred that night, but it probably won't pertain to your problems due to the hugeness of the night.  Can only be cast outside at sunset.

A silver thread descends from the heavens hundreds of feet overhead.  Your somewhat more comely double slips down the thread, grinning with the force of a barely suppressed secret.  Your double would like to tell you about their best friend, who happens to be the double of your worst enemy.  They tell you that their friend thinks of you all the time.  They hand you the slightly more beautiful and well-crafted double of your worst enemy's most prized weapon, which their friend has kindly lent them for the duration, and tells you that if you lay the killing blow on your worst enemy with that weapon, their best friend will replace that worst enemy, and everything will be swell.  But if you don't use that weapon, their best friend and your double are gonna do the same for your next worst enemy remaining after their death.  Okay? Pretty good deal?  Hands outstretched, grinning face moving close to yours, eyes wide, very pleased, very confident and proud of you.

Your hands just dissolve into air.  Your arms end in fuzzy blurred ends.  Objects you touch with the blurred ends get dissolved and fuzzy too.  Not big things like an entire castle but small things like a door or a window or an axe you know.  Or a potion.  So when you've touched a number of objects equal to your level they line up and start to just follow you around.  A line of blurred fuzzy things following you around.  If you touch them with your normal hand they zip back to their original location and act like normal again.

An arrow pushes out of your flesh. Write a name on the arrow.  Shoot this arrow at someone.  That someone now hates the owner of the name written on that there arrow.

You have to paint a line around your neck.  Okay

Monday, January 20, 2014

A Shrine to Urizen

This circular room is made of carved stone.  The floor is set with red tiles.  On a gilded dais in the center of the room is a statue of Urizen, the Changer of Ways.  He appears to be a hideous vulture draped in robes.  He bears a staff with the sign of the half-moon, and points at a door.

Shrine-door: A violet door, emblazoned with the sign of the half-moon.

The walls have been painted violet, and the floor is of polished white marble.  Two depressed sections are filled with fresh water, fed from fountains carved as skeletal fish.  Within the water are many badly deformed skulls, all carved with the symbol of the half-moon.  The far door is made of beaten copper.

Violet walls, white marble floors.  At the top of four steps is another statue of Urizen, presiding over a low, wide marble altar.  Each step is painted a different color – first step is white, second step is light blue, third step is dark blue, and the final step is violet.   On the altar are a golden chalice, an iron wand, a dagger, and a scattering of gold coins.   

All feel dread and nausea at the sight of the Demon Lord.  Their feet become as heavy as lead weights.  Unless they roll under half their Charisma, they may only ascend the steps one step at a time.  Each step causes a different ailment for those that don’t perform the correct rites of abasement: 1. Cause fear, 1d10 rounds 2. Hallucination 1d10 minutes – skin seems to be crawling with insects that erupt from their skin 3. Mutate – player must roll on d1000 mutation table, effective immediately 4. Symbol of Death – player’s soul flees their body, on successful save causes comatose sleep for 1d4 hours.  If items are lifted from the altar, the half-moon of Urizen’s scepter blazes forth a blinding light, and the players’ shadows come to life and attack.

The chalice is expensive and valuable; the wand contains a spell which transforms the target into a ravening orc over d6 hours, with d8 charges left; the dagger is extremely well-made; and there are 38 gold pieces upon the altar

Shadows as usual have 3 HD, AC 12, incorporeal, immune to normal weapons, and a touch attack to drain Strength

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Armjourth, the Pearl of the Tundra, has a twin!

The white elf Armjourth speaks!

"For eight hundred and eighty-eight years ago my lord Lazareth the Unattainable saw fit to plant in my flesh a poison, which grew like cancer, and split, and birthed my own twin, the sorcerer Uncrettin, perfect to my likeness except for bearing no flesh upon his bones, and opposite to my temperament and disposition.  And in his vileness he stole from me the Secrets of the Many Octacled Bindings, and the Imprisonment of the Putrefying Corpse, which I used in my devotions to Perfect Lazareth, and which he uses to his own sorcerous ends.  You ask how you may return the favor of the care I have given you these past months?  Travel ye north into the lands of Velenheim, to Uncrettin's Fungal Garden, and there steal back the Octacles, which once occupied the many shelves you see about you.  And kill him if you must."

A very scary place, courtesy Carcosa

Pits of bones

Roseanne the snow leopard and Frederick Longtooth inhaled the white lotus powder which spills from the broken heads of white lotus zombies

Mindflayers tending to the lotus flowers which grow from the open mouths of living men, submerged in basins of water, and chained.  The mindflayers can cast a 15' cone mindblast for 5d6 damage and a save v. spell or paralyze for 1 round. Among other abilities.

Hordes of white lotus zombies, just so very many of them, holding skulls filled with jale slime which they hurl at intruders

And a mindflayer rung a green bell beside a black lake, from which emerged a gigantic seven-eyed gecko.  And when Ignacio the eighth level druid approached the gecko to befriend, indeed it did form a hand from its flesh, grab Ignacio, split open on the seams down its entire bulk to reveal a toothed mouth, and killed him in one bite.

So okay, people who die: new possible character races: snowleopard man, hyena man, lizardman crowperson, mutant dwarf, half demon, ghoul, pantherman, elf crossbreed (half one color half the other); sorts of people: pirate, witch, servant of chaos, thrall of velenheim, citizen of quallmar or abazidun or the moriad, ovgalad, the cobalt isles; if you're a powerful race with weird powers you're essentially starting at level 2 or 3 depending; feel free to grab classes from 2e, weird classes from the internet also okay subject to the approval and modification of yrs truly.

And now the guys are hauling the two halves of Ignacio back to the surface.  It's a rough week.

back to spell writing, one week later, 4:38 a.m.

I got a cup of "cafe autentico" kroger brand instant coffee.  The coffee tastes like coffee filters.  I've eaten eight slices of pizza.  My coworkers are watching Seventh Heaven.  A perfect time to think of SPELLS.

Target's attack bonus becomes the sum of the digits which are the current real life time

1d4 rounds after casting this spell, the caster disappears and reappears at their original location in the original physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state in which they had cast this spell

Soul Eater. Open wide and swallow a creature that you've personally killed.  Your total hitpoints are increased by their total hit-dice.  You gain their immunities and resistances.  Any curses, blessings, and diseases are transferred to you.  If they knew spells, you learn one of their spells at random.  Demonic and divine attention pointed their way is now yours.  Fall into a stupor and relive in real time the final day of their life.  The physical and spiritual struggle reduces you to one hit point.  Slowly and arduously vomit them back up with one hit point and one level less.  Since you ate their soul, you can't do it again.

The teak hand, anointed with honey, coffee, lavender oil, and pine resin, and painted with ink made from teeth and hair, springs into the air and points in the direction of the closest family member of the original owner of the teeth and hair.

Here is an anvil painted with silver paint.  Here is a spoon painted with same.  Cast upon them the Charm of the Deserted Counselor.  Ring the one with the other and shortly will approach a wizened, cynical, shrunken man with bald head, empty eye sockets, the end of his tongue is removed, as is his left hand.  Wearily teaches you the secret words by which to transform into the Yeth Hound and climb the Dark Rays which emanate from the empty night sky; attack three times per round as a longsword; gain magic resistance 57%; speak the Dark Tongue of Chaos; and enter into the Plane of Shadow.  But not the way to transform back.

Target now moves as a Knight.  Each round exactly fifteen feet in a straight line, then five either left or right.  But becomes immaterial and ethereal to plants and animals during that movement.  Lasts 1 round/level.

Anoint nostril and lips of freshly slain and speak this spell.  They exhale a malicious spirit with their aspect which fights for you.  HD as the slain creature.  Incorporeal, gaseous, may fly 20' per round.  Touch attack as a Str 10 fighter to enter the mouth and nostrils of their enemy and cause d4 1. paranoia, 2. hallucination, 3. panic, 4. treachery.  Lasts d4 rounds at which point the spirit is exhaled again.  Spirit remains for 2d6 rounds.

Three gaunt children tumble from your sleeve and proceed to dance a woeful caper about you.  As long as the children remain, your spells shall be uninterruptable, and all poisons, curses, and missiles directed your way shall affect the children in your stead.

Each of your fingers transforms a new shade, and your left pinky finger and ring finger and right pinky finer shrivel and fall off.  The fingers gain the following powers, usable three times each.

Vermillion. Unbreakable, unbendable.
Viridian. A touch of this finger causes nausea and disorientation for 1 round.
Jaundiced. To point the jaundiced thumb causes to spring forth a javelin, range forty feet.
Pinked.  To point the pinked thumb makes to inflict the verdant thought, so that the sufferer must repeat the same sentence every round until they save.
Blue. A touch of this finger causes to fall from their lips a flood of worms for 1d4 rounds.
Royal. For what the other fingers cause, the royal finger shall undo.
White.  Which to touch to a mirrored surface shall cause fine clear moonlight as a full moon to spill from, showing the flaws in illusion, and the shadows of the invisible.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Fly traps, eels, lotus

In viridian bogs throughout the Swamp of Monsters, venus fly traps, named after the planetary appelation of Va Hosta, mother of the world but transformed through the grace of her first son Belm into Abjecta, Queen of Maggots, are cultivated by the eelmen.  During the third week of each rainy season, which alternate with the foggy seasons in periods of five to six weeks, swarms of large eye-less and leg-less flies hatch from the toxic mud and blacken the skies, cover houses, weigh down the cypress and lotus blossom, and suffocate unguarded children in their molded beds.  But the eelmen have an understanding of the toxic mud, which is thick with oil, froth, and unknown colors, which stinks and coagulates, and causes rampant growth, cancer, and sterile reproduction.  Their understanding is that the toxic muds are the vaginal secretions of Zuggtmoy, Queen of Putrescence, who was slain and lies buried in the Temple of Elemental Evil near Quallmar, City of Thieves.

The eelmen bury sacrifices to Zuggtmoy neck deep in the viridian bogs and sew the seeds of the venus fly traps in their mouths, noses, and eyes, so that the fly traps emerge from their flesh, and as the pods feast on the masses of toxic flies, they grow to such a size that they surmount the owner's original head.  For the Living Feast of Our Dreaming Mother, the eelmen unearth the sacrifices and eat their flesh, in which the toxins of the swamp have been deposited, and thereby gain powers over lust, growth, and disease, immunity to poisons and to the toxins, and the secret knowledge of the white lotus.  The pods of the venus fly traps are dried and the seeds saved, though many break open in the course of their growth, and the seeds travel by air and by water and infect entire villages, so that the venus fly trap men of the Swamp of Monsters are ubiquitous, and widely feared.

As for the white lotus, which grow only in pure, slowly flowing, shallow water.  The heavenly blossom of the white lotus is regarded as the radial eye of Her Putridity.  The eelmen steal virgin maidens and youths of other gods - Lazareth the Unattainable, Stone Belm, Izorides the First Witch - and teach them the ways of Zuggtmoy, and cultivate the white lotus in their pure flesh.  The mark of the white lotus growing from the eyes of these children are the sign of Zuggtmoy's blessing, and the sign that the eelmen may use them as indulgent sacrifices in their own place when they would otherwise be required to harm themselves, or each other, in the course of service to the dead Demon Lords.

The white lotus powder, as is commonly known, transports those who inhale it to a mindless stupor, and causes them to become zombie slaves to the first to issue command.  Though the secrets of its cultivation are concealed, the white lotus powder is used by necromancers, alchemists, witches, pimps, and thieves, and the common people live in dread of its power.

overnight spells, part 3 in a series

Here I am again bathing in the fluorescent lights, hours from bedtime.  The person who said goodnight to me six hours ago will say good morning six hours from now.  Perfect time to think about SPELLS

Targets blasts off upward (the like overall direction of their upward stance) 1d4x10' per caster level.  So a person can aim themselves or if you cast it on an unwilling target they get a save.

Target discharges 1d6 random spells they have at their disposal as random monsters with HD equal to the level of the spell times 2.  These monsters have their own disposition and may be hostile to the caster or the target or both, depending.  They last for 1 round per caster level and cannot stray more than 100 yards from the caster.  If slain, the spell is lost.

Caster exhales a poisonous vapor, but it doesn't trail more than a finger's breadth from their lips.  If they exhale into a person's mouth for a full round, they must save or die.  Spell lasts 1 round per level, ends on discharge.

Caster melds target weapon into target's body.  Target becomes proficient with that particular weapon.  Spell is permanent.  (tigers with axes??)

Touch a pregnant lady with the enchanted rusty, bloody nail (has to be at least like an inch long per month of pregnant she is) and she immediately goes into labor

Cast this spell and as long as you're grabbing a person by the throat, they have to recount every detail of their day from the moment they woke up until the present, and they can't do anything else until they're done.  Lasts 1 turn per level or until a person finishes talking

Target becomes unable to dream.  A permanent spell.

Prepare a bath of fresh ram's milk, mixed with two pints of toads' blood, barrow dirt, stirred with a board from a gibbet where a king was hung.  Drown a cat in the mixture.  Bathe in the mixture.  Pour the mixture onto the ground and bury the cat in a shallow grave.  Within the week the cat will emerge from the ground and speak to you in its own secret language the location of your sworn enemy and the way to travel there.  The only sentence it will ever speak.  Cat will stay close at hand for the rest of its days (unnumbered), or until it sees that enemy slain.

Caster can transfer STR points from one side of the body to the other, so if a caster has for instance a strength of 11, they can make it so now the left side (arm, leg, face) is 2 and the right side (arm, legs, neck, pecs) is 20.  1 round/level

Caster can take off their own face as a mask.  Face underneath is soft and dough-like, takes d4+3 days to solidify into a new, permanent face.  Old face sticks around as a mask with toughness like iron.

An evil tree 40 feet high immediately grows from the ground where you throw the dagger.  Grows into walls, ceilings.  Roots and branches spread out in a 40 foot radius at the crown.  Black bark, seeps poison sap (save or hallucinations for d4 hours if touched), if allowed to speak only screams (it does have a face but it's a plant so it can't usually talk), attacks all who come near if any of its limbs arent embedded in stone.  Dies in 1 round per three levels.  AC 16, hp = caster level x 7, attack = caster level + 6, damage as a giant club, or if it bites then as a greatsword and automatic subsequent damage due to being in an evil tree's chomping mouth.

Friday, January 3, 2014


I'm not sleeping tonight so let's have at it

Target legs and feet turn into arms and hands respectively, touch only, save to resist if unwilling

Causes 1d4 targets per 3 levels to treat the surface of liquids as an impermeable border, 10' per level range, save to resist if unwilling

Shoot lasers from your eyes.  Touch attack 1d8 damage per level, 100' + 25/level range, melts metals, catches flammable objects, save to resist or you're on fire.  HIGHER LEVEL OPTION: Lasts for a full round, you get to strafe everything you can direct your eyes at

Take a seventy-seven year-old fish skeleton, coat it in pine tar, gold nugget teeth of the drowned, let it harden and then rot upon the greenwood plate of a malicious tree for eight days at the edge of a swiftly flowing and deep river.  At the end of the eight days the fish will leap into the river and Asmar the Bone Eel will chase it, eat it, and return to perform a single task that can take up to a week and a day to accomplish.  For Asmar, unbound by the laws of the living, unbreathing, seeker of the hidden canals, may pass through waterways unknown and come into aqueducts, bounded and stagnant lakes, pipes and sewer systems, or wheresoever he desires.

Your fingers turn into needles which can claw for 1d6 damage, but there are also now bulbous blisters at the end of your fingers which accept liquids and store them and can inject them on a successful attack.  Lasts 1/turn per three levels, each hand only gets one liquid, don't let some jackanape break your needle-fingers

Pull out your beard hairs and throw them to the ground and each hair turns into an unnaturally elongated and incredibly tough strand that seeks out and bores into the flesh of nearby creatures (attack = caster level+Int) and connects them together.  Causes 1d6 damage to each creature in a 10 foot diameter and they can't move more than 10 feet from each other but they can shuffle together at half speed or rip out the strands for another 1d6 damage

Target's arm falls onto the ground, it's a clean bloodless cut.  Save to resist

Target's arm tries to attack the target! Strangle, stab, let go of ladder, whatever. Save each round to resist

Your arms turn into long poisonous suckered tentacles.  Range 10', Strength = Int+4, 2 attacks per round at 1d8 + Str and save to resist paralyzation for 1d3 rounds (doesn't stack).  They're kind of clumsy, you can't wield weapons or manipulate delicate tools.  1 round per level

3 crystal versions of yourself step out of your body, so you're all split up.  Your armor is increased by 4, and your HP is split between each version.  If a copy dies, you lose all that HP when they recombine.  If a copy is afflicted with an effect, that effect afflicts you when you recombine.  The emerald copy may cast spells, is immune to poison, blindness, and mind-affecting abilities, gains +4 to Wisdom, and moves at half speed.  The ruby copy deals 2d6 fire damage with a touch attack, causes water to boil and steam away, is immune to disease and fear, may see in the dark, gains +4 to Intelligence, and moves at normal speed.  The diamond copy gains damage reduction 10, 50% resistance to divine magic, always knows its next attack roll, +4 to Strength, may shine a brilliant light (like a flood-light in every direction), and moves at one and half times normal speed.  The copies must meet and recombine after 1d4 rounds per level, else the copy left behind turns to permanent stone, thus depriving the caster of one-third of their levels per statue left behind.